Severus Goes on Dr Phil and Harry Goes Ballistic
by UnderneathTheBridge
Summary: Snape gets dragged to Dr. Phil to confront his inner torment...and ends up confronting Harry too. Features ocarinas, illicit affairs, and Monty Python. Part 3 finally up!
1. Session One

Severus Goes on Dr. Phil and Harry Goes Ballistic

Dr. Phil comes out onto the stage.  People clap and cheer.  He stands up and addresses the audience.  There are three chairs behind him.

DR. PHIL: Today, we are discussing the warning signs of depression and how to cope with suicidal feelings.  Our first guest is worrying the people around him with his difficult-to-explain behavior.  Let's see what they have to say about Severus.

The tape shows Dumbledore sitting in his office speaking to the camera.

DUMBLEDORE: I started worrying about Severus when I read some stories on the Internet in which he was engaging in all sorts of horrific behaviors--drinking, self-mutilation, suicide attempts.  When I sat back and thought about it, I realized that maybe Severus isn't just moody.  I mean, when you get something like that banged into your head over and over and over by mediocre fanfics, it kinda sticks with you.

Cuts to Harry Potter nervously stroking the handle of his broomstick.

HARRY: I saw some of his childhood memories last year--long story--and it seems like my father and his friends teased him a lot.  And I guess his parents fought.  But he's still a greasy git.  And I don't think he's suicidal.  And it's his fault that Sirius died.  Also, if you play Six Degrees of Separation, he killed my parents, Cedric Diggory, and Princess Diana. And Kevin Bacon.  And Bat Boy from the Weekly World News.  So I hate him.

Cuts to Sibyll Trelawney looking into a crystal ball.

SIBYLL: I foresee an early death for Severus, probably at his own hand.  Actually, I've seen this a lot.  Whenever I tell him, he pulls out this small metal bottle and drinks a giant gulp.  And don't you dare accuse me of telling him this over and over to get him to drink himself to death and prove that I'm a true Seer.  I don't need to prove it.

Cuts to Minerva McGonagall sewing a Knights who say Ni cosplay outfit.

MINERVA: I suppose we're good friends.  It's never really been defined…at any rate, I'm worried for Severus.  He's always bitter and angry, and he never smiles.  I even bought him _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ for Christmas.  The extended DVD version.  I suspect he never watched it.  It's so sad.

Cuts to Draco Malfoy examining his cuticles.

DRACO: Yeah, Professor Snape's always been good to me and the other Slytherins.  Damned if I know why, he's such a bitter git.  But it's funny when he screeches at Potter.  And I'm really not gay.  Really.  But…if Professor Snape really is depressed, I can heal his wounds and suck on his elbow.

Cuts to Dumbledore shaking his head.

DUMBLEDORE: Severus needs help.  We need to save his life.

Cuts back to Dr. Phil and Severus, who is now on stage.  Severus looks blasé.

DR. PHIL: Severus, do you have suicidal thoughts?

SEVERUS: Well, mostly I want other people to commit suicide _themselves_…like Longbottom, and Potter, and Hermione, and Ron, and…well, if all the Gryffindors decided to drink poisoned Kool-Aid I'd probably be a hell of a lot happier.

DR. PHIL: But you do have suicidal thoughts?

SEVERUS: Yes, occasionally, but I'm not suicidal.

DR. PHIL: Why not?  That's suicidal in my book!

Audience members start clapping.

SEVERUS: I'm not suicidal because that's about as likely to show up in the books as Draco coming out of the closet.

Dr. Phil puts his hand on Severus'.

DR. PHIL: Severus, did you listen to what the people around you had to say?  They're scared for you…on the most part.  But listen to me, Severus!  _Life is worth living!_

Severus breaks down and starts sobbing.

SEVERUS: Yes, I don't need to die.  Thank you, Dr. Phil.  Now I don't want to die anymore.

The audience starts clapping.

DR. PHIL: Next, we're going to bring out someone who Severus says makes his life miserable…Harry Potter, would you please come out?

Harry steps onto the stage.  Severus looks shocked.  Harry sits down.

DR. PHIL: Harry, you were listening from backstage…do you still hate Severus?

HARRY: Yes.

SEVERUS: Twenty points from Gryffindor for demoralizing my self-esteem on national television.

DR. PHIL: Do you now understand that Severus is suicidal?

HARRY: No, he's just a greasy git.

SEVERUS: Thirty more points from Gryffindor for failing to realize that I am clinically depressed.

DR. PHIL: Harry, when you fell off the stupid tree, did you hit every branch on the way down?

HARRY: Hey, I've gone face-to-face with Lord Voldemort!  And I can say his name because I'm just so damn cool!  Can you say his name, Dr. Phil?

DR. PHIL: Yes, because I don't know who that is.  Now Harry, I believe you have some issues with expressing compassion for fellow human beings.

HARRY: Well, when they're hot Asian babes I do…

DR. PHIL: From what I'm seeing, Severus has a good right to hate you.

Severus nods his head.

HARRY: SO IT'S OKAY FOR HIM TO HATE ME BUT IT'S NOT OKAY FOR SIRIUS TO HATE KREACHER????

Harry stands up and overturns his chair.

HARRY: I AM THE ONE WHO CAN SAVE HOGWARTS, ZION, AND MIDDLE-EARTH!!!!!  YOUR MOTHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES!!!!!

Severus runs off the stage.  Dr. Phil motions to someone in the audience.  Dr. Phil's wife comes out and hits Harry over the head with her purse.  He falls unconscious.  Dr. Phil and his wife walk off the stage arm in arm.

DR. PHIL: See you next time on Dr. Phil! 


	2. The FollowUp

Severus and Harry Go on Dr. Phil—Again

Dr. Phil comes out onto the stage.  The audience claps and cheers.  He addresses the audience.  There are three chairs behind him.

DR. PHIL: Today on Dr. Phil, we're following up on two of our previous guests—Severus and Harry.  Now, on a previous show, Severus admitted that he was suffering from depression.  Let's see how he's doing now.  Come on out, Severus!

Severus comes out and sits down.  Dr. Phil sits down opposite him.

DR. PHIL: Now, Severus, before we start…is there anything you'd like to say right off the bat?

SEVERUS: These chairs are too damn tall.  Honestly, Dr. Phil…you can afford chairs where your feet actually touch the ground.

DR. PHIL: Well, um, moving along…do you still have suicidal impulses from time to time?

SEVERUS: No.

The audience claps.

DR. PHIL: That's great, Severus…how have you worked through these suicidal feelings?  Has your therapist helped you?

SEVERUS: No…I've just gotten a new hobby.

DR. PHIL: Would you mind telling us what that hobby is, Severus?

SEVERUS: Yes, yes I would mind.  It's a solitary pursuit for my enjoyment only.

DR. PHIL: It's not…drugs, is it?

SEVERUS:  Of course not!  It's a very noble activity with a long, traditional history.

DR. PHIL: If you say so…our other guest, Harry, had some anger issues that he's been dealing with.  Harry, come on out!

Harry comes out, sits down next to Severus, and starts snickering.

DR. PHIL: What's so funny, Harry?

HARRY: I know what his hobby is…

SEVERUS: What?  I…fifteen points from Gryffindor for spying on me!

DR. PHIL: Let's get back to you, Harry.  How have you been dealing with your anger, Harry?

HARRY:  Well, whenever I get angry, I count to fifteen before doing anything.  Then I throw something against the wall and rip up a pillow.  Then I go yell at Ron.  Then I go yell at Dumbledore.  After all of that, I'm usually too tired to do anything else, so I just take a nap.  When I wake up, I've usually forgotten about what made me angry in the first place!

DR. PHIL:  It doesn't look like you've dealt with our anger at all!  You're still taking it out on other people!

HARRY:  Oh, come on, Ron's a totally dispensable character…and Dumbledore only exists to get yelled at by other people.  Right, Professor Snape?

SEVERUS: Don't I know it.  Hell, I yell at Albus when I run out of acne cream.

Harry sniggers.

SEVERUS: Twenty points from Gryffindor for mocking my shameful and embarrassing skin condition!

HARRY:  Hey, at least you've never suffered from the secret shame of eczema!

DR. PHIL: Okay, okay, people.  Calm down.  Harry, why are you so angry?  Where is all of this anger coming from?

SEVERUS:  He's just angry that Miss Granger won't snog him.

DR. PHIL: Severus, please!

HARRY: His hobby is playing the ocarina!

SEVERUS: One hundred points from Gryffindor for exposing my hobby on national television!!!

DR. PHIL:  What the hell is an ocarina?

SEVERUS: Only the finest instrument in the world!  It has four holes on the top and one on the bottom.  It makes a sweet, harmonious sound like that of a swallow searching for its mate.  Dr. Phil, did you know that an ocarina found in West Asia is the oldest musical instrument ever—

HARRY:  Shut UP!!!

DR. PHIL:  Count to fifteen, Harry…

HARRY: One…two…seven….eleven….FIFTEEN!

He slaps Severus.

HARRY:  Nobody cares about your damned ocarina, Snape!

SEVERUS:  Well, excuse me for being cultured!  At least I don't watch NASCAR!

HARRY:  What do you have against NASCAR?

He slaps Snape again.  Snape laughs.

SEVERUS:  You think your puny slaps can harm me?  Not when I've got Robin on my side…Robin, could you help me out here?

Dr. Phil's wife Robin comes out and knees Harry in the groin.  Harry falls to the ground.  Snape starts making out with Robin.

DR. PHIL: ROBIN?!?!?!?

ROBIN:  Sorry, Phil.  Ever since Severus came on for the first time, we've been having an affair. 

DR. PHIL:  But why, Robin, why?

SEVERUS:  I happen to appreciate your wife's caked-on layers of makeup…unlike _you._

DR. PHIL:  Robin!  You know I didn't mean it when I said that you might want to scrape off a couple centimeters!

ROBIN:  Severus also happens to have hair.  It might be greasy…but at least it's hair.

DR. PHIL:  But…he plays the ocarina!

ROBIN:  Oh, Phil…you have no idea what a seductive instrument the ocarina can be.

Robin and Severus leave together.  Dr. Phil begins to weep.

DR. PHIL:  See you…next time…on Dr. Phil….oh God……

Author's Note:  Please don't ask me how I know so much about ocarinas.  It's a very long story.


	3. The Return of Phil

The Return of Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil is sitting on stage. Severus is sitting in a chair next to him.

DR. PHIL: Today on Dr. Phil, I'm pleased to inform you that Robin and I have worked out our differences by using the strategies outlined in my book _Relationship Rescue_. Isn't that right, Robin?

The audience claps. Cuts to Robin sitting in the audience.

ROBIN: Yeah, and he got me a house in Malibu.

Cuts back to the stage.

DR. PHIL: Heh….heh….isn't she, uh, funny? Well, at any rate, on today's show, Severus is back. As you all know, he's the bastard…I mean, individual who had an affair with my wife. He told us that he has something very important to tell me…so, what is it, Severus?

SEVERUS: I'm very sorry for banging your wife.

DR. PHIL: Well, I'm very glad to hear that...but what prompted this statement?

SEVERUS: I…I…oh, Dr. Phil, my life has been going so badly recently…

DR. PHIL: Tell me about it.

SEVERUS: All of my students hate me, I'm never going to get the job I want, my hair is so greasy that it looks like I dipped it in a vat of Pennzoil, my nose is larger than my fist, and Potter broke my ocarina.

DR. PHIL: Well, you can always get a new ocarina…

Severus starts crying.

SEVERUS: But it won't be the saaaaaaame! I _cherished_ that ocarina! I named it _Shirley_!!! I wouldn't have named it Shirley if I hadn't loved it!

DR. PHIL: Well, Severus, I know things seem pretty bleak right now…but just remember to always look on the bright side of life.

SEVERUS: That's what Minerva told me! Actually, she sang it…but it didn't help!

Dr. Phil puts his hand on Severus's shoulder.

DR. PHIL: Severus, this is going to be a changing day in your life.

SEVERUS: It's not going to be if you don't give me any advice!

DR. PHIL: Well, Severus, I just want you to remember that you are a special, valuable person with so much to contribute to the world!

The audience claps.

SEVERUS: That's right! I am beautiful, no matter what they say! Words can't bring me down!

DR. PHIL: Always remember that, Severus. Even if you did screw my wife.

SEVERUS: Oh, she seduced me and you know it.

DR. PHIL: I do _not_ want to hear it!

SEVERUS: Yeah, I'll bet you don't…well, Phil, you may not be the world's greatest husband, but that's okay. You lift my spirits and soothe my soul, and that's enough for me.

The audience claps.

SEVERUS: Dr. Phil, do you have any other advice for me?

DR. PHIL: Well, if the ocarina won't do it for you anymore, I'd suggest another hobby. A hobby other than humping married women, that is…

SEVERUS: You mean like…squash?

DR. PHIL: Squash? Isn't that a vegetable?

SEVERUS: Well, yes, but more importantly…it's like racquetball, only _better_! I used to play when I was younger, but…damn, I've got to start playing again! I wonder if my squash goggles will still fit…thank you again, Dr. Phil! This man saves lives! And he has an incredibly attractive wife!

DR. PHIL: Damn straight!

The audience claps. Cuts to Robin blowing a kiss. Cuts to Dr. Phil.

DR. PHIL: Next, on Dr. Phil, Harry is back.

SEVERUS: What? What'd he do now? Other than smash my ocarina, that is…

DR. PHIL: Let's let him tell us himself. Harry, come on out!

Harry comes out and sits down.

DR. PHIL: So, Harry, have you been dealing with your anger any better?

HARRY: Well, I suppose so...I've only been breaking an average of three things a week.

SEVERUS: Like my ocarina, you little prick!

HARRY: That's down from seven.

DR. PHIL: Well, it's a start…why do you think you've made these changes?

HARRY: Well, I've been taking something that makes me…a bit calmer.

DR. PHIL: And what would that be?

HARRY: Well, everyone knows I'm a joker. And my closest friends know that I'm a smoker…but, I must admit, I've recently become a midnight toker.

SEVERUS: I knew it! 50 points from Gryffindor! Where are you getting that wacky tobaccy from, Potter? I want names!

HARRY: Well, the Hufflepuffs always have some on hand…I mean, that's how they _really_ pick the Hufflepuffs, hence the name…and Professor Sprout grows _everything_, I mean _everything_ in that Herbology greenhouse…and if you think Hagrid's pumpkins are high quality, you should see his hemp. Daaaaaamn. They even had an article about it in _High Times_ last month.

DR. PHIL: Harry, you know that marijuana is bad for you.

The audience claps.

SEVERUS: Harry _Potter_? More like Harry _Pothead_!!!

HARRY: Oh, Professor, that was just stupid.

SEVERUS: But it had to be said! It doesn't matter, though…now I _finally_ have the information I need to get you expelled!

DR. PHIL: Do you see the consequences of your drug use, Harry? Possible expulsion from school! Marijuana leads you down the path to misery, Harry! It's a gateway drug!

HARRY: Gateway to what?

SEVERUS: To expulsion! To unemployment! To living in a cardboard box with only a broken broomstick and your bittersweet memories!

HARRY: Snape, you can't expel me! Dumbledore already knows about my drug use! In fact, he gave me a wizard-shaped bong for my birthday!

SEVERUS: Curses…foiled again!

DR. PHIL: Harry, has your drug use been affecting your friendships?

HARRY: Well, Hermione was kind of pissed at first…but I got her to try some, and she managed to forget about schoolwork for three minutes. I'm her hero now!

DR. PHIL: What about _your_ schoolwork?

HARRY: Well, needless to say, my Herbology grade's gone up immensely…but my other grades…I DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT GRADES! I'VE GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DEAL WITH RIGHT NOW!!!

DR. PHIL: And your relationship with your parents?

HARRY: DON'T YOU _DARE_ BRING UP MY PARENTS!!! My parents were perfect and divine in every way, shape, and form! Just read some fanfics, for crying out loud! You…you…bald, obnoxious Muggle!

DR. PHIL: Now, that is uncalled for!

HARRY: And your wife wears too much makeup!

SEVERUS: Are you dissing my former sex kitten, you immature little ocarina-hating druggie?

HARRY: I think I am, you greasy squash-playing married-Muggle-screwing failure!

SEVERUS: I am beautiful, Harry Potter, no matter what you say! Your words can't bring me down!

HARRY: That song is _so_ three months ago.

SEVERUS: Potter, say what you will, but the words of Christina Aguilara will always lift my spirits in times of self-doubt! Now go smoke grass with all of your stupid Hufflepuff friends and stop trying to undermine my self-esteem, you…you…insecure angsty hormone-crazed teenager with…with…_an inadequate penis_!

HARRY: I do _not_…sniffle…sniffle...WHERE'S HERMIONE??????? HERMY! HERMEEEE!!!!

Harry runs off the stage crying. Robin steps onto stage and slaps Severus on the ass.

DR. PHIL: Robin?!?

ROBIN: Oh, Severus, after watching you stand your ground against that enraged drug addict like that…I just can't resist your manly charms anymore! And I love men who play squash even _more_ than I love men who play ocarinas!

SEVERUS: Oh, Robin, I never stopped loving you. Will you marry me?

ROBIN: Of course I will, you big-nosed British bad boy you!

The audience starts clapping.

DR. PHIL: Shut the hell up, you bored obese housewives!

The audience stops clapping.

DR. PHIL: But, Robin, sweetie…I bought you a house in Malibu!

ROBIN: Turn it into a whorehouse for all I care. I love Severus more than I ever loved you, Phil. And he has a much cooler accent. The Texas thing is really getting old.

DR. PHIL: I never should have let you come on the show, you emaciated pansy!

SEVERUS: Sorry, Dr. Phil…all the ladies know that Slytherins do it better!

Severus and Robin leave the stage holding hands.

DR. PHIL: Okay, screw this. I'm moving to Montana and growing dental floss.

The End!

Disclaimer: Be cool, stay in school, _don't do drugs_.

Other Disclaimer: Please don't sue me, Dr. Phil. I mean no harm. I'm sure that your relationship with Robin is absolutely wonderful.


End file.
